In Your Corner

Some time ago, I took a much-needed social media fast. This daily voyeurism into others’ lives had become, for me, the same soul-sucking practice as perusing active women’s fashion catalogs had been in my mid-twenties. I’d turn the glossy pages, captivated. The captions next to the photograph of a woman surfing/riding her cruiser/running without sweaty armpits/eating a snow cone with her beautiful dress brushing against perfectly tanned legs were equally unnerving, Mother of four and engineer/Microbiologist and professional athlete/PhD currently working on solving a major disease…and avid surfer.  It’s not the physicality of the women that made me feel less than…it was just this pervasive feeling of, “Damn, I need to get off my ass and DO something.” And while sometimes that kick in the pants can be a catalyst, for me, I metaphorically pulled up the covers and went back to bed.

Social media had a similar effect. I’d see shiny pictures of friends with blossoming, impactful careers, beautiful families, exotic vacations, and awe-inspiring athletic feats, and I’m over here, polishing off a huge bowl of ice cream and watching Netflix. Rather than be happy, I felt…less than. Like I wasn’t doing enough. Like I wasn’t being enough. Like I wasn’t…enough. It wasn’t that I was resentful about what people shared, because hey, people are awesome(!); to be candid, I was resentful about how I chose to react—I was resentful of how I felt. I’ve had a lot of wins in my life, and still, I felt ungrateful…I felt like I’d come up short. 

My perspective on who I am has since seismically shifted, thanks to a great deal of work on myself and my loving, incredible tribe. And as I started work on the Impact Project, I had the absolute PRIVILEGE (caps are annoying, I know, but I cannot emphasize enough how lucky I am here) to talk to a ton of people, in both the ordinary and extraordinary pulses of their lives. It was here, deep in the goodness of these stories, that I recognized and subsequently internalized a few important lessons that I’d like to share.

Move at your speed. There are people slower than you, and there are people faster than you. Badass knows no pace but the right one for the beholder. There are people who will have businesses without college, and there will be astronauts with PhDs. There will be people with three kids before their first spouse, and there will be people with three spouses before their first kid. Have faith, my friend. Your tempo, and your experience, are yours. You’re learning and growing at your pace. Own it.

Quality and quantity are up to you, as is your definition of “success.” Some people like to dive deep into something. Some people like to sample the buffet. Some have a multitude of experiences; some experience things deeply. Ever planned a vacation, only to develop a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out)? You overschedule yourself, and, if applicable, your loved ones, only to return exhausted and requiring a vacation from your vacation. Life works the same way. Decide what success is, for you, to include the depth and breadth of your experience.

Don’t compare your every day to someone else’s highlight reel. Ahhh…a-to-the-men. One of my friends posted on social media asking for what was going on in the real, and the daily. At that moment, I was in an airport, and I was tired. I was eating tuna fish with onions, and it was terrible, and it made my breath terrible, which was kind of a good thing, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone on the plane (because I mentioned, I was really, really tired).

Shortly thereafter, another friend texted me to recount a story of being in the park with her son, when he had an out-the-back diaper explosion, so there she was, covered in brown squish on her jeans, hands, and every imaginable surface, gagging from an overabundance of kid poop and a short supply of baby wipes, just doing all she could do amidst this mushy disaster.

Why don’t we post this stuff more often? It’s hilarious, and it too, gives us permission to be…us, poop and onions and all. My point here is that there’s always more to the story…the shiny parts are likely the result of a windy path. Which leads me to #4…

Suffering is universal. One never knows the miles walked to get here. Gosh, this is a big one. Just know, we all hurt. If we kept that in mind, all the time…we’d be cheering each other on.

Do you. Because at the end of the day, that’s what the world needs. Do your pace, your definition of success, celebrate your successes, and hold the hand of a friend when she’s suffering. Reach for someone’s hand when you are, too.

These days, I use social media a bit more responsibly. More important, I’m a lot more responsible for my feelings. Since I no longer use it as a measuring stick, I find a great deal of joy in a lot of what I read. It is ever a work in progress. We should post about our triumphs. We should absolutely shine our lights and be proud of what we’ve done, and equally appreciative of those who helped us get there. It gives others permission to do the same and to realize their full potential. Someone else’s success in no way dims my own ability to create a beautiful life that is uniquely my own…and that idea, on its own, is a liberating observation. From this perspective, comfortable in my own skin and at my own pace, I’m over here on the sidelines, cheering you on for the unique skillsets you bring to this collective human experience, and I am grateful.